One night I had a dream that I was in an abusive relationship with a guy. Throughout the dream, he would continue to abuse me physically and emotionally. Finally, one night, I gathered the strength to confront him. He had attacked me for the last time, or so I thought. Storming towards me, he began to attack me but this time I returned a blow, with a bottle. I remember the bottle being heavy, unopened.
Once I hit him, I immediately consoled him.
I know what you’re thinking, weird. Did you know studies show that a survivor goes back to their abuser SEVEN times before they actually take a step towards leaving. So, I guess we could call this behavior “normal” considering the circumstance.
Anyways, back to the dream– I dialed the police to report the altercation, all while still holding him. “911, what’s your emergency?”, said the dispatcher. “Yes, my boyfriend hit me and I need an officer to come out”, I said through tears. The dispatcher responded, “Ma’am, all of our patrol cops are out in the field, busy. What’s your name?” “Jessica– Jessica House”, I responded, voice shaking. I could hear a deep sigh and then she responded with deep irritation, “Ms. House, we don’t time to keep coming over there if you’re just going to continue to go back to him.” Her response hit me like someone had stab me in my back and then turned the knife. I was speechless.
“Hello, hello.. Ms. House, are you there?” I said nothing. I held the phone until she finally hung up.
I continue to hold him and wept softly with my head tilted to the sky. Distant sirens brought me back to reality and I jumped up. I told my boyfriend to grab his things… we were leaving. I grabbed my jacket and purse and began to run with no destination in mind. We ran. Once we were about a mile from the home, we stopped to catch our breath. Hovered over onto the cracked sidewalk, a 1957 Chevy Bel Air dressed in a powder blue paint, pulled up beside us. It was a friend of the family, Reggie, stopping to see if we were okay. I jumped in the backseat and pulled my boyfriend in with me and yelled to Reggie, “DRIVE!” Tires screeching, we sped off into the night, headed once again, to nowhere.
——————End of Dream———————–
I woke up confused for two reasons: one, why did I have a boyfriend (I am HAPPILY married) and two, where the heck was I going with him? Searching for answers, I prayed to God. “Hey God, it’s me, again. Lord, please reveal to me what this dream means. In Jesus’ name, I pray, amen!” Now, being the impatient individual that I am, I wanted God to answer me right then. But if you know God like I know, He is not on ANYONE’S time, especially not me. I felt like he was like, “Girl, you better get somewhere and sit down, ni (not “now”, but ni.. like how your grandma used to say). I waited a few more seconds and when I didn’t get a response, I began to start my day.
Later that afternoon, while sitting at my desk, the Holy Spirit dropped this little message into my spirit.
“Your dream from this morning is an abusive relationship that you are currently in. The boyfriend represents your anxiety. The dream depicts how you allow your anxiety to continue to abuse you physically, emotionally, and quite frankly verbally.”
Sitting there at my desk, my heart began to ache. “The boyfriend represents your anxiety”. Those words echoed in my head. Up until that moment, I hadn’t viewed my anxiety in that way. As I continue to process this revelation, it became clearer to me that I was treating my anxiety as my abuser. I knew the damage that it would cause me, but I couldn’t seem to shake delving into those thoughts and emotions that eventually turned into attacks that felt like I was having a heart attack. If I was going to get ahold of this relationship, it needed to start with me redefining what this relationship looked like.
It’s crazy because anxiety is not something you can just wake up and brush it off, especially if you began to go down the ‘rabbit hole’. But it is definitely something that can be managed with the proper tools.
God pressed upon my heart to share this piece of transparency with you, because I know I am not the only one who suffers from this. But with God, therapy, and myself, I am confident that I will be able to beat this…. and you can too!