Suicide, Depression, Mental Breakdown, PE, Self-care

Happy Friday eve! Today has been very mellow although it was still hectic. I am still working on clearing my schedule and taking time to just focus on myself. This past week has been very crazy and life changing for me to say the least. Why you ask? Well for one, I was recently hospitalized.

I know, I know you wasn’t expecting to hear that. Well, let me just take you back to last Thursday, the 4th of October (to be exact). The day started off very rocky, me waking up the girls to get them ready for school and dealing with the morning chaos of “Mommy, I don’t want to get up, blah, blah, blah”. 🙄🙄 I was more irritated than ever though from the chaos because I had been in excruciating pain on the right side of my body (mostly my arm) since Tuesday. I thought the pain was due to having carpal tunnel in both hands but realized later that it wasn’t. My sitter arrived to watch my son and I left rushing with the girls in hand to get them to school on time (a struggle that I had been in for two weeks). SIDE NOTE: Their teachers were giving me a hard time about getting them to school on time, unbeknownst, that I had been struggling every morning to get out the door; people should really be more compassionate.😔 Sorry, mini rant over. So, I dropped the girls off at school and went on about my day. I continued the day in pain and in a deep depression to the point where I was close to a mental breakdown. (I know you’re wondering why I was I depressed? Well that’s another story) 🤦🏽‍♀️

After making it through the afternoon, I decided that it was time for me just go on to the emergency room to be seen. Even though I didn’t want to go, my shortness of breath and cramped chest convinced me to go anyways. I called my spiritual mom and told her that I would be heading there and she missed no beat saying that she would be on her way. I headed to the first stop, “urgent care”. Walking in ever so weakly, I waited “patiently” in line, while the receptionist flirted with the guy in front of me. Finally, after about 10 mins, he left and she decided she wanted to be halfway interested in why I had come to urgent care. I scarcely explained my symptoms only for her to say very “ghetto-ly”,😒 “Oh, we only have ONE doctor and it’s going to be a 3 1/2 hour wait just to see the doctor.” I could’ve died right there BUT I decided to leave and drive to the NEXT urgent care that was 25 mins away. By this time, I began having dizzy spells, while driving… yeah, I know scary. My accountability partner called and remained on the line until I made it to the urgent care.

After 25 mins of driving, I made it safely to the second urgent care and walked in, signed in and was seen after an hour and a half of waiting. The physician assistant came into the room and I began to explain my symptoms. They began running numerous tests, everything from blood work to CT scans and administering medication for my pain. The medication did not help me AT ALL and by this time I knew I was dying, atleast in my head. I could feel myself fainting in/out.

I began having a conversation with God.

“God, please don’t take me now. I need to be here for my husband and kids. God, please I promise I won’t ever try to kill myself again if you let me live”. Just as I finished my plea with God, I could hear the doctor call my name. “Mrs. House?” he said. “Huh?” I groaned, still in pain. “Your test results came back, and you have blood clots in both of your lungs. We’re going to transport you to a hospital so that we can treat you immediately because this can be fatal,” said the doctor. He went on to say that I had what is called “bi-lateral pulmonary embolism” meaning they were in both lungs and that they needed to treat me with blood thinners to stop any other clots from forming.

My body went completely numbed as he continued to give me more direction. There was so many thoughts running through my head and so many emotions through my body.

I was transported to a local hospital where I spent three days being monitored and seen by specialists to determine where and how the blood clots formed. While in the hospital, away from my husband and kids, God spoke to me. He spoke the words: self-care. I knew that I had not been practicing great self care, but I thought I was practicing something.😐 I realized that I wasn’t. I was putting everyone else’s needs before mine. Family, ministry, friends, everybody–I gave out all of me and had nothing for myself. And it left me depressed, lost, always looking for my identity.

God brought me to this place for two things: I came to the realization that I DID NOT want to kill myself and also that I needed to take time just for me.

I needed to put me first for once.

I can admit it’s hard and it doesn’t necessarily mean that I don’t love my family, friends or ministry, it just means I love ME more.

And in order for me to be what I need to be for everyone else, I have to take care of ME first.

I have to SELF CARE and truth be told you need to do the same, sis. We have to take care of the body, heart, & mind that God gave us.

It’s okay to put YOU first.

This journey isn’t over for me, in fact, it’s just beginning. I’m walking into this next season with a newfound love for Jessica and I want to encourage you to do the same.

With PE, it’s not a quick fix, so I am currently under doctor’s care, so please keep me in your prayers (only if you’re going to pray for me). I don’t want sympathy, I want this message to simply prick your heart and help you to realize areas that you have neglected for yourself and make the change before it’s too late.

Until next time,

Mrs. Jessica House

IG:@itsjessmythoughts

IG:@definedbychrist_sheis

Published by It’s Jess My Thoughts

It’s Jess My Thoughts takes you on a mental journey into my world and how I navigate through this life, chasing God’s purpose for my life all while juggling being a wife, mommy, Leader, sisterfriend. It’s hard work, but it’s all worth it. Take a load off, grab some coffee, and let’s unwind. I promise you won’t be disappointed.

2 thoughts on “Suicide, Depression, Mental Breakdown, PE, Self-care

  1. Wow!!!! Thanks for those encouraging words much needed. Auntie so sorry I didn’t know but God knew and he’s covering you. I Love you and take care of yourself..

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  2. Wow!!! My prayer is that God heals you from the inside out. I’m glad you’ve realized to give yourself some TLC, you know I know. This post uplifted me in so many ways. Love you sister!

    Like

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