They say “if at first you don’t succeed, dust yourself and try again” right? Well, what if you don’t find success after the 3rd or 4th or 5th or the 6th time? What do you do then?? Are you supposed to keep dusting or is this a revelation to give up and move on? How do you know when to give up?Could this be a testament of faith or God nudging you to move on? If this describes anything that you might be currently facing, know that you are NOT alone.
You see on the outside, many people will view my life as a model one in many ways; marriage, children, career… but that’s where you’re wrong. I’ve struggled a lot with the transition of my career. Have you ever had a vision of what you wanted your life to become and then God steps in throws a monkey wrench in the plan….Gotta love when that happens!
I was reminded of this today as I went to take my MD state test. I have been wanting this since, um I don’t know, FOREVER! I have taken this test literally 3 times and FAILED. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME! Today was the third time and after each failure I am left feeling numb, lost, confused, emotional (of course). I know you’re wondering if I thoroughly studied. The answer is: YES. I have prayed and prayed and prayed some more about this test. God knows my heart, desires, and passion when it comes to real estate. So why would he have me fail something that I so wanted so badly. I mean this is my career, and if I don’t have this what will I have for me…for Jessica. For my fulfillment, my purpose.
After taking the test and learning that I had yet failed again, I fought back tears as I headed out of the building. The proctor made the snarky remark of, “Well, see you next time”. I was too tired, mentally and emotionally to address her so I walked to my truck and called my husband. He was so excited to hear what he thought was good news which made it that more difficult to share. As I mustered up the courage and words to say, “I failed, again” I began to cry..but this was a different cry. It came out almost like a lion’s roar. I know, creepy, huh? But nevertheless, I was roaring. I reaffirmed my results and cut my conversation with him short, because in actuality it wasn’t him that I wanted to talk to at that moment. I wanted to talk to God. I had questions and I NEEDED answers.
After ending the call, I began to scream to God, well more so at Him (i know it was bold):
God, what is it that you are calling me to do? to be? What’s my purpose? I have sacrificed and removed distractions that were keeping me away from you. Lord, I am trying but I am tired! Physically, mentally and emotionally. God you knew that if you helped me passed this test, that you would have gotten the glory. So why not let me pass?? WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? I don’t want to live off my husband’s fortunes. I want my own! I asked you for clarity, wisdom, understanding. But I get nothing, and I hear nothing from you.
After my rant was over, I sat in silence and cried while driving in traffic. I was so empty –this was the first time in my life that I really didn’t know what I was called to be in life. Any other time, I wasn’t 100% sure, but at least I was sort of sure, but this time I was a -5% sure of my purpose. I wanted to be angry at God, but I couldn’t because that’s what the enemy wanted me to be. Shortly after my moments of silence, I received a call from my spiritual sister and I began to weep to her and just express how I was feeling. She spoke briefly to me and it wasn’t things that I wanted to hear but it was the truth. God was using her to speak to me. Her words spoke life into areas that I thought I would occasionally use. I was bringing life into a project that was premature. I had allowed my will to be “God’s will” and it was only bringing unnecessary distractions in my life. I WAS/AM the distraction!
Today has been an eye opener for me! It was me that needed to get out of God’s way. It was ME that was always in my head and trying to “fill in the blank” or predict what God would say to me. “For I know the plans I have for you….Says God. “Plans to give you a hope & a future”…says God. HIS will not my will!
So like I told myself, I will say to you: Get out of the way, and allow God to be magnified. The Bible says ” Seek ye the Kingdom of God and all things shall be added to you”. Seek Him and he will give you the desires of your heart. Serve him, FIRST.